This is part one of a two part series on effective communication with young children. You can find part two here.

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“You’re so good with them.”

“How do you get them to listen to you like that?”

“Kids are just naturally drawn to you. They just want to do what you say.”

“I don’t know how you do it.”

“Wow, you’re so patient.”

I don’t have enough hands to count the number of times my peers and I have heard these phrases throughout our careers. I wouldn’t consider myself exceptionally patient and I don’t know that children just naturally come to me.  I’m not a parent yet, but I’ve worked with children long enough that I’ve learned some super effective strategies for talking with young children and gaining their cooperation. The following tips don’t work all the time — nothing is perfect, especially in regards to children — and they certainly aren’t always easy, but they work a lot more than yelling and sighing.

If you’ve read books like “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” or you’ve heard of  Responsive Language or you’ve scoured parenting blogs looking for advice, then much of what I say will sound familiar. It sounds familiar because early childhood experts have learned that it works! It works because it centers around the idea that your children are little, unique people with thoughts and emotions all their own. You can’t help but to be more understanding and as a result, your children will feel heard, appreciated, respected, and more.

So without further ado and in no particular order, here are five tools for your parental toolbox.

Telling versus asking

This one is probably the easiest thing to change about how you communicate with your kids. When you ask them “Can you clean up your blocks?” or anything similar, you’re practically inviting them to say “No thanks, I don’t really feel like it right now. I like how they make it harder to get across the living room.” Inevitably what should have been a simple interaction becomes a power struggle. If you have something you need your child to do, word it that way. “It’s time to clean up your blocks” or “You need to put away your blocks now” or “I need you to put your blocks away” tends to smooth out any bumps you might encounter when asking. Even though this is one of the easiest ways to change up your communication skills, you might find yourself slipping up and asking instead of telling; it still happens to me sometimes. That doesn’t mean you should just give up. You can simply say something like “Oh, I said that wrong. I meant to say that it’s time for you to put the blocks away.”

Explaining the action’s importance

This tactic is a little more challenging than just rewording your directions. It’s important to let kids know why they need to do something but you also don’t want to overwhelm them with too much information. A perfect example of this comes from a pretty common experience in preschool classrooms (and often homes). At some point, you’ll start to notice that your kid’s toys are strewn about the place getting stepped on and neglected but you feel like they’re old enough to start cleaning up after themselves. (This usually starts happening around three years old.) When the kids in my classes hit this stage we would have a class meeting about it. My coteacher and I would show the class the broken toys and explain to them our concern. “We’re afraid if we don’t take care of our toys they’ll all break and we won’t have any more to play with. How can we solve this problem?” After a class discussion with lots of suggestions from the kids, they typically decide that cleaning up as they go would protect their materials. Even though this is an example from a classroom, you can adapt it for your own situation. Explain your concern, and depending on your child’s developmental level, you can ask for help solving the problem or simply tell them how the problem can be solved. Another example: “I’m concerned you’ll hurt your mouth if you run and eat a sucker at the same time. You can sit down to finish your sucker or you can save your sucker for later.”

Listen when they talk with words OR actions

Loris Malaguzzi, founder of the Reggio Emilia approach to education, believed in the complexity of children’s ability to express themselves. In fact, he wrote a poem about this very thing.

“The child has
a hundred languages
a hundred hands
a hundred thoughts
a hundred ways of thinking
of playing, of speaking.”
-translated from Italian by Lella Gandini

Basically, Malaguzzi tells us that children may not always speak to us through words. It might be through a drawing, through their chaotic running and jumping throughout the house, through their pretend play, or any other actions. As adults, we communicate (and often grow) through a number of medium:  words, body language, songs, paintings, photography, dance, architecture, comedy, tragedy, and more. Children are the same. Be present and listen to their message. Ask them about it. Think from their perspective. Speak in their languages. And if they’re telling you they had a bad day at school by channeling Oscar the Grouch, maybe it’s not the best time to go rush through all those errands just yet.

Avoid “No” and “Don’t”

This is a tool I learned in college and it is crazy to me how well this one works. How many times have you given your child a command that starts with “no”? No running. No painting on the walls. Don’t whine. As Dr. Phil would say “How’s that working out for you?”

My guess is that they just keep doing it. For some reason when you start a command with “no” kids tend to skip over that part and go straight to the action. You might say “no running” but they hear “running” and keep going. And when, in the history of civilization, has anyone actually stopped whining when they’re told “Don’t whine?” Instead, try wording your commands in a more positive manner. Instead of “no running,” try “walk, please.” Instead of “no painting on the walls,” try “paint goes on the paper.” Instead of “don’t whine,” try “I can’t understand you when you talk like that.” When you word your commands in this way, you imply that you trust that your child is capable of meeting your expectations as well as remind them of the expected action instead of the undesired action. This doesn’t mean that you need to completely abandon “no” and “don’t.” Save those for the really serious situations. “No! You may not hit your sister!” has a lot more meaning when your kid isn’t used to hearing “no” all the time.

Treat them with respect

Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone and they spend the whole time looking at their phone? Or maybe you met up for a coffee date and as you tried to talk to your friend about how excited you are to go see your favorite band that weekend, they simply sighed and mumbled. Would you feel heard? Respected? The basic respect we expect others to give us is the same respect that children crave. Respect breeds confidence, so make the effort to be respectful with your child.

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Have you tried any of these strategies with your children?
Are you going to try some out for the first time this week?
Let me know in the comments and look for more tips in part two!