Have you ever played Good Guy/Bad Guy with your child?

Have you ever asked them what makes the Good Guy good or the Bad Guy bad?

Their answer is usually:

“The Good Guy is good because they save people. They’re nice. The Bad Guy is bad because they steal/push/yell. They’re mean.”

In this simple game, the behavior of the person defines the character of the person — whether they are to be considered “good” or “bad.”

But have you ever told your child that the reason you (as Bad Guy) are stealing everyone’s jewelry is because you want to give it to your mommy?

We’ve come to an unspoken agreement that good behavior consists of societally acceptable actions and bad behavior consists of actions which are deemed unacceptable by our society. It’s why you can scream “FIRE!” at the top of your lungs while dancing around a bonfire but screaming “FIRE!” at the top of your lungs in a movie theater is a well-known no-no.

But why do we conduct ourselves in the way we do?

All of our actions come from some motivation. We fill our gas tanks in our cars so we can go places. We mow our lawns because we’ve learned the neighbors and city officials get angry when we don’t. We watch tv because we want to relax.

Behavior is simply an action used to fulfill a need.

While adults have learned society’s rules for behavior, kids are new at this! If children do not yet have knowledge of what is acceptable and what is not, it can be a challenge for adults when their children’s attempts to fulfill their needs sometimes result in what we traditionally call “misbehavior.”

Educator and author Dan Gartrell challenges us to stop thinking of unacceptable behavior as “misbehavior” and instead think of it as “mistaken behavior.” Instead of assuming that a child is willfully engaging a behavior specifically to “be bad,” we should consider that the child is trying to fulfill a need and doesn’t know yet that it’s an undesired behavior.

Take for instance a little girl who draws on her doll’s face or cuts her doll’s hair. Is she trying to “be bad” or is she playing beauty shop? Or a boy who draws on his desk. Is he trying to “be bad” or is he experimenting with how different surfaces affect the appearance of his markers?

At this point you might be asking yourself: Does she want me to throw away all the boundaries I set for my kids?

Of course not. Without boundaries, the world would be chaos. An understanding of human behavior is a key component to one’s reaction to children’s behavior. It’s important for people, children included, to understand and follow established rules and boundaries while still respecting the needs and desires of people.We must be careful in setting our boundaries and enacting consequences to not squelch children’s natural creativity and curiosity.

When we view an undesirable action as misbehavior, we have a tendency to assume the child’s motivation and punish them for that single action. Typically, this approach produces inconsistent results. When we consider those same actions as a mistake, a bump in the road to knowing society’s boundaries, we are often more understanding. If we take the time to understand our child’s motivation, we can guide them to a more acceptable behavior that still fills their need.

Recognize the need and you can find more lasting solutions to the mistaken behavior, as well as diminish you own likelihood of becoming frustrated.

You can determine the cause of your child’s behavior simply by observing them. This requires us to be more present with our children — something that is often a challenge in today’s world thanks to technology, demanding workplaces, financial stressors, etc. Children push boundaries to learn the limits of what society will allow and develop self-control. If we truly want our children to grow to be kind and compassionate people, we must rededicate ourselves to their growth through guidance, mentoring, and encouragement. We might even gain a little more kindness and compassion of our own in the process.