As a preschool teacher, the number one thing parents and friends have asked me is how to deal with “misbehavior.”

“My kid threw a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store.”

“My 6 year old won’t share with my 3 year old and it always ends in pushing.”

“When my kid doesn’t get their way they turn into a Mogwai that was fed after midnight.”

This week, let’s focus on the boundaries that we set for children and WHY we set those boundaries. The word “rule” implies that something steadfast and never changing while the word “boundary” implies something that can change with time and even be negotiated between parties. The needs of people, children included, change over time and our boundaries should change along with them. For instance, when your child is a toddler, you may feel they need to hold your hand while crossing the street for them to stay safe. Does that hold true for your teenager? Probably not. Boundaries change and that’s ok.

Think about some of the boundaries you have in your relationships, not just your parent-child relationship.

How did you create those boundaries?

What led you to create them?

Was it something you actively considered?

Was it something you set because it was how you did things in other relationships?

Did you create a boundary as a response to an unpleasant situation?

Did you set a specific boundary because that’s what your parents did?

While some of those approaches might work in some of your relationships, the parent-child relationship is a little different. Here’s the secret to creating effective boundaries with your child: reflect!

Forget about your sister’s boundaries for her kids, your parents’ boundaries for you and your siblings, that parent at your kid’s school (you know, the one who makes things look like their child just came out looking and acting like a cherub in a Renaissance painting) — forget about all of them. This is about your family. Your kid. Your parental legacy. And let’s be real, your sanity. You all deserve your intentional reflection.

Let’s go back to that hand holding while crossing the street example. What is your rationale for holding hands? I’m going to take a wild guess and assume it’s so your child doesn’t run into traffic — a reasonable concern. But today, your almost-three-year-old doesn’t want to hold hands. Maybe they don’t like that their hand gets sweaty. Maybe you squeeze too hard. Maybe they walk slower than you and it’s hard to keep up. Maybe they just want to feel independent. Whatever their reason, you can work with this.

Instead of your boundary being a strict “you must hold my hand when we cross the street” that results in tantrums when your child doesn’t feel like it, your boundary could be “you must stay safe when we cross the street.” Preface this with a discussion with your child about actions that make you feel comfortable with the situation. Maybe “safe” is staying in the crosswalk lines, or walking next to you, or walking instead of running. The two of you (mostly you) get to decide what “safe” looks like for your family. Then talk about the consequences if your child decides to be unsafe. This could be something as simple as “if you choose to be unsafe you will need to hold my hand while crossing the street.”

(A quick note: Make sure you have this conversation before you even get to the street crossing, or at least give yourself enough time in transit to ensure that your expectations and consequences are understood without making you late.)

Rather than simply saying “you must behave a certain way because I say so,” you can create a boundary that becomes a collaboration with your child in which you get what you want (them being safe) and they get what they want (not feeling forced to hold hands). Doing this will help to foster mutual trust and respect, something that all relationships need.

This same strategy can be applied to nearly every boundary you have. Obviously there will be some non-negotiables.

“Hands are not for hitting.”

“Forks do not go in the outlet.”

“The blow torch is not a toy.”

Otherwise, think about all the boundaries you already have in place (or if you’re a new parent, what boundaries you are considering).

Why don’t you want your kids jumping on the couch?

Why do your kids have to share their toys with each other?

Why do your kids have to clean up after themselves at dinner?

Know your rationale and when your kids inevitably ask you “why?” in that grating, rising tone that we’ve all come to dread, you’ll have an answer on hand instead of a tantrum (hopefully).

Stay tuned for my next post where we’ll talk about the myth of “misbehavior,” the stigma it creates, and how to identify the source of your child’s actions.